I can’t bring myself to love fully…

Men, they are supposed to protect us, right! Well, sadly for me, they have abused me for as long as I can remember.

When I was five years old, my step-grandmother’s cousin stayed with us. He was unemployed, so he would babysit me when everyone went to work. He would then lift me and carry me to the bedroom, where he sexually assaulted me. He went on for months, and I couldn’t muster the courage to tell anyone. My grandfather then retired to the village. One would think that was the end of it, but it was the beginning. He died shortly, and my grandmother started having multiple partners. One of her so many partners started fondling my breasts and my vagina; mind you, I was only six or seven at that time. Despite being what most referred to as a confident child, I never got the courage to tell anyone about what was happening because I knew he would defend himself. That passed, but every time I was alone with a man, I would get scared because I thought they too would victimize me. I moved to stay with my mom, and things got better, only for a short while until we moved to Francistown. My cousin joined in on the line and slept with me. The ordeal went on for two years. I have been assaulted by men I thought I could trust, those I thought would protect me. As I grew old, I figured that maybe if I didn’t take care of myself and stay unkempt, perhaps they would stop preying on me, but that was just a lie I told myself. When I finished my schooling, I stayed with one of my uncles; he found me drunk one day and took advantage of me. I thought it was a mistake, but he kept on following me around.

I have never stopped hurting. My relationships never work out because I have too much pent-up anger that I unleash on the wrong people. I can’t bring myself to love fully because I overthink everything. I pray every day that someday I find healing. I have resorted to having multiple partners because if I hurt them, the pain will go away. On bad days I cry myself to sleep when the pain gets too much. Sadly enough, no one knows what I’m going through because I’m scared of being judged. Instead, I mask up and show a bubbly and confident me when deep down I want to scream and cry. How do you recover from the pain caused by people who you are to trust to protect you from any harm that comes your way?

_Anonymous

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